Dear blog,
Just the other day I went up the skypark on marina bay again. However this time the feeling was so different, not only cause I went up in the day this time round but also the situation I'm in and the company I'm with. Walking around the observation deck was a bitter sweet moment. Standing at that exact spot where we took a photo together on my birthday, looking down at marina barrage and remembering everything which happened that recent faithful night. The feeling sucks, it really do. I don't know if its a good thing or not but I just hate how every small little thing can means the world to me.
On another note, went back Primers for reunion dinner after a year plus of absence. Didn't plan to tell anyone I was going and wanted to make a "surprise return" at first, but had to confirm my attendance the days before. When I was there the feeling was kinda nostalgic, seeing them made me remember how hard we used to plan all the events and running them was another story. Somehow its just weird that how I used to be part of the group yet I felt I can't really fit in now. Guess maybe I outgrown it? I don't know but whatever it is, I want to salute those who stayed and carry on helping up even after so long.
Anyways I have to say this chinese new year period made me really think through a lot of things and think hard. From further studies to work to relationships and even to marriage, I never thought so far and so serious before in my life. I'm starting to feel more and more like an adult already, since even usual chat with friends now all revolve around the aspect of life and no longer where should we go and play or have fun. As much as I hate it with age catching up and time slipping every second away, I have to take a good hard look at myself and what I want to do from now on.
Ben.
Dear blog,
This is one of the hardest post for me to write with so much emotions inside but I really want to write how am I feeling exactly.
I don't know what to say, really. I don't know how or where to start even. I guess I just can't hide my emotions in when I heard about it, as much as I tried to. I was so close to giving up halfway but I told myself that I didn't want to live in regret again and never know what could have been so I decided to go ahead with the plan. I don't want to brag or make myself look good but I have to say I went all the way out and did the most romantic thing I ever did. You know, I always don't expect much in return whenever I do anything for someone. In fact, I'm happy doing what normally people think is a waste of time doing. To me its sort of a way of making myself happy.
All I ask for is to see that person happy and I'm contented enough already. But like what I told a friend, I think its human nature and fair enough of me to ask for a little bit of return. It doesn't have to be the same amount as what I gave but a small tiny bit will be enough already. Though the ending is still the same, but I guess in the midst of everything there's a few good moments somehow too. Like the most beautiful sunset I ever seen which was a pleasant surprise cause it wasn't part of the plan. And how the literally heart to heart talk that I said out how I feel bout everything, relationship wise. Its a really nice feeling, to say out all the thoughts in my head and not feeling restricted or trying to hide anything at all.
Truth be told, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go for it in the first place. But like what I keep telling a friend time and time again, you never know until you try. So I decided to just gave it a shot in the end. I went into the day with a normal heart, I didn't expect much nor do I expect nothing at all. I thought that since this time was so different from the rest, maybe somehow things will be different too. But alas, it was not meant to be. I guess maybe it might be a good thing after all and that the right one is still somewhere out there. Things definitely won't be the same anymore, as always. Though it can be not as bad but it can also go back to how I always behaved last time, being an asshole after everything. But like what I say to a friend, I guess this is my own way of protecting myself from all the hurt, a bubble to cover myself in. Whatever it is, I just hope time heals all wounds and that it does it quick. Cause right now I'm feeling a little numb and I don't know if I can open myself up to anyone anymore again.
29th November 2011 post. And I should have stuck with that.
Ben.