Dear blog,
Its been awhile.
The past few days was packed with birthday celebrations and there will be a few more coming soon. There're quite a number of photos of us having so much fun but I doubt I'll be able to post them here as much as I want to (cause you know I don't have facebook so people can't tag me the photos and such). Anyways during one of birthday celebrations, a few of us stayed up all night and were just talking about relationships and stuff. After hearing their stories of relationships breaking up and all, I was just thinking to myself if I really want to get into one, ever. I know of some good friends that when they were in a relationship their lives revolved all around the partner and they chose to give up alot of things just for the other person. But when the relationship ended somehow they became like lost souls with no goals and everything. I genuinely thought that some of my friends were gonna last all the way till marriage and even they themselves had this thought too. But sadly nothing in life is smooth sailing.
I don't know. I thought it was kinda funny one or two months ago I was thinking how great if I'm in a relationship now and stuff but after hearing so many cases of how a failed relationship can affect a person so much with all the hurt. Even till the extent that the whole person's character have a 180 degree change, I don't know so much now. And I guess I can understand now why when a friend told me that she didn't want to get attached because she was afraid to get hurt.
On a related note, I think I mentioned it before that I really hate myself sometimes. Even after so long I know that everything's kinda alright now and that I should act normally. But whenever the person is around I keep trying to avoid being nearby and make myself busy with things so that I won't be able to think about anything at that point of time. But when I'm finally alone thinking about the whole situation, I really regretted doing what I did or not doing things that I needed to do. The more I think about it the more upsetting is it for me. I really wish there was a time machine and that time can be rewind so that I can have another opportunity again.
I confided in a friend and this friend told me that I'm just not ready yet. Even though its been quite sometime already but my heart's still not ready. I guess maybe all these, its God's way of telling me that I'll never get the closure I always wanted.
Ben.