Dear blog,
I was going to post about SGB and the journey from the starting to now. But I decided to keep that post for another time and talk about something that's really bothers me recently.

Quite alot of things happened during the past few days, which I don't know if I'm the only cause of all of them or is it the others. I quarrelled with my parents the day before, had kinda a big fight. I don't want to talk about why it happened but it was really very unpleasant. Another thing happened which I can't say how similar it is compared to an incident that happened around the same time a year ago. (I just realised that I post on the exact same day last year also, 16 Dec) I ended last year on a bad note, and its kinda sad that I might end this year the same way. And the stupidest thing is that I keep making the same mistake time and time again. Even though I think I can salvage the whole situation a little but I don't know if I can bring myself to.

Anyways an interesting point to note. Yesterday on the bus to acer service center, I missed the stop and the bus went past Xing zong's place. I then thought about his incident and remembered that I once told someone actually we shouldn't be sad when someone we know committed suicide. Instead we should be happy for that person, because that's the way he wanted to go. I guess the last thing we can do is to respect his decision.

Why am I saying all these? Well, to be honest, I have thoughts of suicide a few times. One of the reasons that stop me was that if I really was going to do it, I will message or call a few good friends and say some last words to them. Cause I think that's the last thing I really want to do. But I think some of them will probably find out and try means and ways to stop me which kinda sucks, since I won't be able to do what I want, which is to leave the way I want to.

I thought of talking about all these with some people around me but I guess it was better not to. Since I don't want to bother other people with my stuffs and its not like after telling them all the problems will be gone. But at the same time I also always feel that I needed to say out whatever that's happening so I guess I can only write my thoughts here. And afterall like I said a few times before, even though some people reads all these but still I'm going to write as if I'm the only one reading because all these are for me to read in the future and think back about everything.

I guess I'm fine and all now but again, just let me be.


Ben.