20 June
Dear blog,Sunny day
It seems like there's so many things happening that I haven't even talk about it yet and there's progress already. Nevertheless, I'm still going to say what I wanted to say a few weeks ago, a few days ago.
I still don't get why things have to happen the way its happening. Not only a recent death but why I STILL tend to run away whenever I encounter problems that I cannot solve at that moment. I hate it when things always becomes this way, that I have to distance myself away. I told myself time and time again that this is not the solution even though I always feel it is. I'm still trying to get back 2 people that I kinda lost but yet another one has to appear. I kept trying to find a chance to talk to the other 2 but I always can't get the words out whenever there's a chance. I tried to try.
Ok, so I typed that some weeks ago. And now things are getting better, I guess. We're trying to fix whatever that has happened but I don't know if things will get back to how it was before. I guess to me relationships is just like glass. Once u drop it will break, and no matter how u try to fix it there will forever be a crack there. Whereas for the other 2. One, I said what I wanted to say but there was no reaction. The other one, I know there will be reaction but I didn't said what I want to say. I can't cause I know if I did it will all go back to square one, which I guess is not a good thing for the both of us. But at least I know that I tried, I really did.
Its kinda ironic, that on one hand I'm saying that things will never be the same as before and on the other hand I wish that everything can get back to how it was before. But I guess I know and I should really put it in my head that life goes on no matter what happens, one can't remain in the past where its no more.
Something happened a few days ago which I guess affected me a little. Told Kay and Lionel about it and they feel the same way as I did. Even though I wasn't really serious, at least I think I wasn't, I don't deny that I felt something during the whole time. But anyways that same night something good happened. I always believe in the saying, when god closes one door for u, he'll open up another one.
I was thinking whenever I feel like shit is it because of me and what I did, or is it them. I really don't know.
I guess human and human relationship is a really funny thing.
Ben.